Chapter 17: Being Loved

“It is better to be Loved and Lost, than not to have both of them at all”

I was 11 that time, when I discovered I had an attraction to the person of the opposite sex. The feeling that is greater and beyond admiration……..it was love. I know, this is the time where boys like us developed a feeling to search the person they find “suits them”.

Some of my classmates had started this “search” and some had success and guess what, a couple was in my class not long. They sat together, talked together, and were smiling at each other every time. Somehow or rather I began to have this feeling and thoughts, “isn’t it wonderful to love….” But love only began when two person of the different sex have the same feelings towards each other, and to have feelings some would need to develop it, by attracting the person of the opposite sex so that he or she may show interest in you.

I was 11 that time; I had this classmate, a boy. He was strong physically, matured, and good looking. Well, his god looking and matured personality attracted many to have feelings for him. I was sitting by the corner of the class, staring at him and the people surrounding him. How I wish I could be like him, being famous in the crowd, and being loved by….girls, knowingly that it wouldn’t happen because I had nothing that can compare with him. I was 11 that time.

9 years had passed, and I’d grown much, currently waiting for my STPM results. Looking back at the past, I’d notice it was just a glance and 9 years had passed, without knowingly my “wish” had came true. I was now, being loved, by others of the opposite sex. Initially I thought it would be glamorous to have that, but in reality, it wasn’t. Love is something wonderful and dangerous, it’s like a burning fire that can enlighten someone or burnt someone on the other hand.  I wonder how was the feeling of the boy I knew 9 years ago who was being loved by many girls.

Being loved was great, but what if there’s only an attraction in one party and not both? That hurts, though. Relationships may collapse due to this, friendship may end in a glance, and hatred will take its part.

I confess, I had feelings towards her, and I know it’s not hidden after all, thanks to my “speakers and amplifiers” around me. Sometimes I received negative feedbacks, and some teasing, about me and her things. Till now, I still have feelings for her, yet waiting for her, to give a confirmation, though sometimes people will say, “she’s yours”, “she actually have feelings for you too” and other stuffs; but, that’s other people’s thinking, not hers.  Some might want to cheer me up and come up with this, who knows. What really matters is her thoughts towards me.

Matters turned complicated when someone came in and say someone have feelings for you knowingly you already had a target. It’s like you can’t turn her down because you love someone, and you can’t accept her because love is loyal. But anyway, you still need to choose. I really hope things can be normal again, because I really don’t want to hurt anyone. I just hope…… We still can be friends, although I turn you down, you feel depress and sad. I just hope……We still can care one and another like friends as we used to be, not because you want to stay away from me.

Hmm…….Love, is complicated eh, anyway, it’s an experience. An experience that one will never forget; maybe you were hurt before by the fire, or sad by the decision decided; but as the days pass, wounds shall be healed and the new light will shine, showing the new path to head on……..

Chapter 16: Gua Musang Mission

18th Feb 2010

Our team went for mission at Gua Musang. Some may say, "hey CNY still go to work ar??" Well, i did thought of that throughly, wonder why i'm doing this. But, this mission is a blessing, not only it blessed the people over there, we also received the blessing from God too, guess papa up there in heaven is always taking care of us.

We started off at the morning, not a good one for me, kena scold by pastor in the early morning, haiz....

Anyway its just a scold, and i believe its the devil that's behind all this, he wants to steal, kill and destroy. But think again, we were strong. Before we left church, we prayed first, and unity came upon us as we prayed together. Heh, thank God, it works...:)

We left church at 9:30am, and guess who's the driver....

Me la!! lolx...                                         
                                                                

AND.......

Heh heh..... we two la.... Drove and drove..... It was a long journey though. Finally we reached there, at around 3pm, went hunting for lunch. But because of CNY festive seasons, many chinese restaurants have closed early, hence......nothing to eat. We walk for one round and came back sadly, haha, and hungry. So we end up eating at the malay stall next to the hotel inn. But but before that we took this:

and this:



















wonder where's pastor meng....haha

Anyway, it was a tiring day, but we're all excited. Everyone worked hard, and you know what's God's blessing? Growth, i think so..... We learn how to cover up each other's weak points. When there's a loophole, we cover it; and everyone was so willing to do. Suddenly i felt how come we can be so excellent in outside and not in our church......Well, thank God also, we enjoyed a lot. Here is some of our pictures:

USHER TEAM

AND THIS.....wonder where am I....

After everything.....everyone went out makan, minum. Mr. Aaron also gave us ang pow, thank you mr!!!!

(if he can hear la)....hahahahaha!!!

.................rubbish-ed post......

oh man, Penang is so hot....Hot dao.....walaowe......

-heard that its almost 40 degrees Celsius....
-heard that it din rained for days...
-and i......have been drinking water and water, and oh shit.....my body is getting hotter and hotter...
-why is it so hot??
-oh man. hope i'm still fine when i come back so that can go mission....
-ulcers, swollen.....argh!!
-in Jesus name be gone!!!!

Chapter 15: CNY, Bless, and Be Blessed

I enjoyed the moment, where they handed me a red packet, where it's fully stuffed, and thick. Plus when i open it, i can see lots of paper notes in it, of course it's not ordinary notes, it's money!!

Perhaps we should think, what is the meaning of Chinese New Year, is it the moment where we enjoy food, drinks and play? Not wrong; or is it we go "ang-pow hunting"? Not wrong either. But does Chinese New Year only existed for the purpose of enjoying?

I admire the Malays, where their new year (Hari Raya) they go visit the poor, blessing them with financial aide and food supplies. Maybe it's the time we also do so, mainly it's because, we don't wanna forget that is God who gave us this new year, and everyone deserve to have it.

This new year our church is going for a mission, in Gua Musang, certainly not cave ok..... Some may wonder why are  we still working during the new year period, aren't we suppose to enjoy? Some may think negatively too. But one thing for sure, this mission is to bring blessing to those not believers, and the blessing is Jesus Christ. There are almost 90 non-believers attending this service, mainly the locals there, and this time it's a evangelistic meeting. Well, i hope that many will accept Christ, as for this new year, God also wants to bless His children, i believe that accepting Jesus Christ is one of the best blessing.

This mission might be tough, but we know that we ought to bring this blessing for the locals there, to let them know Jesus, and letting them know they had this eternal gift. I believe maybe this is the true meaning of new year, despite enjoying, that is bringing hope and life to the needy. If we bless others, i'm sure God will bless us too, and this new year is gonna be a whole lot of abundance.

Chapter 14: CNY, Be Thankful

Chinese New Year is around the corner, which means, its "harvest" time!! It's like dream to every kids and youth for CNY because they can get $$ from other married ones and without knowing their parents are one of them too....=.="

Oh well, that was my thinking over the past, though now i'm still longing for it just because i hope to get more "blessings" (ang pow lar, huiyo) from my uncles and aunties, haha, still the small kid though...... Strangely, wonder why this year i can't feel the new year atmosphere, it seems to be getting down and down. i still remember last time my neighbour used to blast new year songs with karaoke, and not forgetting the fire crackers and fire works. But recently, the atmosphere seem to be......down. Frankly speaking i only knew that new year was around by this Monday (8th Feb). Perhaps i'm working too hard? nah, nope, or is it my mind was full of stuff, maybe......But still, new year is one thing we as a Chinese, should celebrate with happiness.

Well, going for our reunion dinner this Saturday, with our three "Hing" families together. Though its just 3 families, but we're quite close among each other. Chat, talk, yell, scream, whatever...haha, still, we're close. Thus i'm learning to be thankful, that i have such wonderful families, knowing out there there are some people who don't go back for reunion dinner, some whose families are far away, overseas maybe; or some who are very busy, till they have no time for reunion dinner; or some family bonds are not close, relationship problems; or some who doesn't have a family too.

Hence let us be thankful, thankful for what we have, and not just eat, drink and play, and forgetting those who are in need. Be thankful.......

Chapter 13: Back To Step 1

2010, is not a good start for me, wonder why………….. Many things had gone bad, seems like people around me had change their way and mindset on treating me. Perhaps I’m thinking too much, or perhaps, this is called “adulthood”. Wonder what are my seniors thinking or going through when they’re at my age, but anyhow, I felt that some changes from me recently, it’s like the older I grow, the weaker….i go. I don’t know, maybe this is called “inner stress”? Or what so ever. Some things which I like, I began to show disgust on it, what’s more with those that I don’t like. It feels like I don’t have the eagerness to like something, oh well…….crap…*sigh

I…..just don’t get it. I can’t get what they want, or what they want to convey, I’m just confused. I really hope that someone who can really stand by my side and tell me what the heck in the world is going on with me. Is my world turning apart or is the world turning apart…. *sigh

Responsibilities,  responsibilities, and responsibilities, its like a heck of a mountain. What’s worst is I’m bearing other people’s responsibilities. Being “The Black Sheep” ain that fun, though. Bearing other people’s pain for their gain, it’s like shit to me. *sigh

Yea, 4M, Model, Motivate, Mentor, Multiply. How I wish, I can have a model, how I wish, I can have someone to follow, but no. They’re all gone; I’m just a lone ranger, with a bunch of people around me, lost too. Why, are they scared? Are they afraid to take up responsibilities, are they afraid to lead? Are they scare to be model of the small ones? I don’t know. Motivate, yea, at least I had some. But still, it isn’t perfect. Mentor, *sigh……………………… Multiply, I feel like being divide than multiply.

Right, these complain, condemning, such words from me, a model to the young ones, a leader for the future. Maybe I’m climbing too high, maybe the air pressure on the top is lower, that makes me unable to breath, maybe I’m just too fast, or too high, maybe I should stop, or hang on, from pressing on, maybe, I should go back, should I restart? should I reset? or to go back……to step one……..

Chapter 12: What if.......

What if..........

i can go back to my past,

and make changes for the last.

What if..........

time is able to slow down,

not too fast,

i'm sure to catch up.

What if..........
catching up is so tough,
surviving it is surely rough.

What if..........

i can stand up,

to take up the tough,

and walk the rough,

to another pace of this challenging path.

What if..........

standing up alone doesn't work,

and loneliness will devour.

What if..........

we stand up together,

regardless how the path is harder,

and loneliness will sure to pass,

where unity will come at last.

What if..........

we can work together,

and understand each other,

i'm sure no one will fall,

after one another.

What if..........

we give hope among each other,

to live for a better future,

without condemning nor complaining,

among each other.

I believe,

we can strive together.

Chapter 11: Broken, Shattered.......

30-Jan-2010 2330 hrs, Saturday

......broken, into pieces....... feels like being shot, by an arrow, sharp and swiftly, through the heart, deeply....

Wonder why it feels so....pain..... I went to bath, and guess what, I spent an hour in the bathroom.......weeping..... Wonder why, i feel so..........stressed yet depressed. All responsibilities, are on me; even it's not mine, I still, need to bear it.......Wonder why, i felt like I'm being crushed, admonished, and......sigh

I couldn't sleep that night, though I only slept for 4 hours that day before....... I was, sitting on bed, with my mind kept repeating all the scenes i'd come across. I prayed, but couldn't concentrate, it was.....too deep.

The night was quiet, very quiet, with only bugs buzzing around, I look upon the sky, it was empty, how I wish, i could be as empty as that, but I know, that was just, imaginary scenes. As I close my eyes, a cool breeze blew.............and it gone......when I opened my eyes, it was 8am, it was Sunday morning..